Tattooed in Your name

I didn’t know how tattooed Your name was at the seams of my life until I came undone. I came apart inside with scars no eye could see. The stitches of my mind became so loose that I looked like an old rag no one wanted to touch. See I couldn’t have known that You were already weaving me back together when rejection was my friend until You called me Yours!

I didn’t know how etched Your nailed hands were at the dawn my life until I tried to breath. I was suffocating from the chaotic air of my desires. Each breath of this life rotted my body and tore me to shreds no one had the strength to pick up. See I couldn’t have known that You planted Your Holy Spirit deep within me when death was an open door until You called me Peace!

I didn’t know how drenched with Your blood my soul was until my heart refused to pump. The sickening flattery of words of man knocked and locked themselves in the chambers of my heart. Every beat my heart echoed the stench of misery and choked my arteries doctors refused to operate on. See I couldn’t have known that You established your word in my heart when mockery was my guide until You called me Righteous!

But mostly, I didn’t know how precious you thought I was until I thought myself worthless. Each step I took and plan I made ended with a steal wall of no-entry and detour. A welcome defeat with sweat and tears and a face I couldn’t look at. See I couldn’t have known that Your face is in my eye when self-loathing was my blanket until You called me Conqueror!

I didn’t know how tattooed you’re your name was at the seams of my life until I came undone!

Starting over

I had said a while back, probably five years ago when I was moving house into my previous place that I AM NOT MOVING AGAIN unless I was getting married. The stress of moving was just too much and there were so many things to do. I didn’t see it as a great thing at all, except that my son would be able to play in a garden.  

Well I moved again!!! Same battle of getting everything done right, signing off the one place and signing into the new place, packing and then unpacking, ayi ayi ayi. It is just so much work, Not to mention the emotional toll it takes. Wishing you had a partner to take care of the electricity re-connection, asking for help from family and friends, sleeping on an unmade bed because everything is everywhere and you don’t feel you are made for this. In-fact it feels like no one loves you enough! Like there should be another measure of love added to the love that your family and friends have for you, to equip you to move house without strain.

This though, is one of the most crucial growing pains we have to experience. It indicates a change, a new beginning. It carries a promise and a desire to make things different. We move house, sometimes when we didn’t want to move house at all, but our circumstances force us to move house. At times we do it absent minded as a chore, without really paying attention to the new space we are in and appreciating how big the move was. It is important to be awake for the most important changes in our lives, see them as beautiful as they are meant to be, and all the new possibilities they come with.

Moving house in our lives

I didn’t get a chance to go to university when I was young. It just so happened that my first permanent job I worked for a woman who told me she can only approve my bursary if I studied xyz, which had nothing to do with my career and unfortunately I didn’t have money to study on my own. I was frustrated to a point that I lost the desire to studying, ever. Just when I started to feel okay with what life had given me; I got a new boss who required me to study. And I mean, she did not make it an option but a requirement.  At first I got excited, I mean, hey, education finally. Then I got into it and it was not as sufficiently pleasing as I thought it would be. It got beautiful and inspiring but it also got painful and too much work. Slightly fun and then down the dip again. I mean there are just some subjects that pull your teeth out, much like moving house, and there are those that are soft and cuddly like a new pillow. No one could love me enough to make studying easy, I had to ask for that kind of love from God. He helped me move house in my mind, shift things with dust on them and made them new and worth looking at again, and finally I'm GRADUATING!!! I am basking in the completion of moving this house and the promise and possibilities it comes with.

Refurbished

Revelation 21:5And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

The Lord is slowly showing me that the dreams we had as kids, pure dreams of being this or that, those evident ones that even your parents can see in you, tossed aside by life and circumstances are not lost with Him. God re-purposes them because they come from Him. He makes them new. He brings them back into your heart and life to complete what they had intended to accomplish. Maybe at first you don't recognise them as your dreams, they look different and feel like they are so far off from the vision you had, but their purpose in your life and those you are meant to share them with hasn't changed at all. I’ve seen how He takes something I thought was lost forever and bring it back to life with His mouth. I have a glimpse of what my dream will look like. Not completely sure how it will get there but I see Him pulling it out of this dusty shelf and putting it to work. 



So even with all the teeth pulling and soft pillows of studying I'd experienced, when the Lord asked me to move house again and study Theology I had an excitement in my heart. I had the "He talked to me. I matter. He has plans for me." kind of thoughts and feelings. Don't get me wrong somewhere I had that sinking sickening feeling in my stomach I had the "what if I'm not good enough, fail more than pass, disappoint Him" kind of feelings. As time drew closer for me to register, He kept reminding of what Yorke James Scott (a friend of a friend) said during his graduation ‘When you do Theology, you have a teacher that is always with you and revealing things to you’. So I trust Him. I trust that my teacher is and will always be with me to move into this new house. 

Obedience!!!!!

Recently, during a lesson in the prophetic academy, I was reminded that we sing to the Lord statements that get born in the natural. I remember singing with tears in my eyes and my heart drenched with desire “Spirit lead me where my trust is without boarders” and adding in a small silent voice “Make History through me”. Knowing my Dad, He didn’t place that song and words in my heart for the melody only but the purpose it carries. I waited for the day when it really felt like I was going past the boarders of my trust. There had been several situations that have fit that but to date, this feels like the embodiment of that statement. I expect it to fold all the boxes I have put God in, to break away whichever pieces of walls around my heart that are still standing and to set alight a new passion for my Father who makes history through me.

So here I am, starting over and moving house. The house that is my life with Him. It may not seem like a completely new start but it is. I must paint the walls, re-tile the floors and refurbish the furniture and eventually move it. It is going to be emotional, time consuming, physically exerting and spiritually challenging. It will require me to stand, fall and mostly kneel. I will probably sleep on an unmade bed more times than I did when I actually moved house. Mostly it will be full of ‘ahhaa moments’ with the Lord, transformative discussions, gut wrenching desires to change and a lot of laughter with travel companions. I will call on you, friends and family for small situations and big things during this journey but mostly I will welcome God to walk me through it, and whenever I feel the doubt creep in I hear Him say: 

You are tattooed into the chord of an old melody,

Scream for me with the sword in your hand

Charge forward with wisdom in your heart.

Be consumed by My will and let my desire propel you.

See My winged fire burn for you and 

Feel My righteous obsession for you,

Let it light you up and set you ablaze!!

I pray that my home knows joy, that every room holds laughter and every window is open to great possibilities. I pray to always fall on knees and offer all of me. I pray I always recognise the warrior You see in me and that my mouth sings like Mary

Luke 1:46-48 
and Mary said:
"My soul glorifies the Lord
and my spirit rejoices in God my Saviour
for He has been mindful
of the humble state of His servant
From now on all generations will call me blessed,

May my heart be on fire for you always, in your mighty name; Amen.

Mixed Relationships, Race and God

There I was planning a beautiful night that I believed, so did my sis that was to be my last valentine’s day as a single woman. The men in my office were a little envious but didn’t want to show it. How can she love herself so much she plans a meal, candles, music, and wine for herself and there is no sign of bitterness about her singlehood? In fact they suggested I invite a friend because they couldn’t imagine me being happy with my own company. I’d been talking about it since beginning of February.

In the end though God had other plans, I shared this beautiful meal with a friend, not because we were hiding from our loneliness and sought company but because we were sharing God’s romance for our precious hearts. It was beautiful!

Nkondlo joined the dinner and prayed with us before the meal. It is such a privilege to listen to a seven year olds prayer. You get why God says we ought to have faith like children. Anyway, we talked till the morning and thoroughly enjoyed each other’s company and the thick presence of the Holy Spirit in the room.

 

Anyway, happy and content as I was that Friday, on Sunday morning before service I was sharing my beautiful night with a few ladies at church. They were so excited that we had such a lovely night. Then they relate to me how the young adults’ guys planned this amazing Valentine’s Day for the girls at church. I tell them how lovely that is, to remind young women that love comes in different forms and valentines’ day can be shared between brothers and sisters. How precious is it for these young men to have planned this? I then get to ask if they went, and a scoffing NO came out. Now I’m shocked because I believe I would have gone had I been asked but why would these ladies refuse, not only that but scoff at it as if it were some ridiculous thing to suggest. I ask them why not, they say “oh because we didn’t expect to be invited and actually were not”. I ask why not, they say “well the white guys in our young adults (which currently are a majority) have made it clear that they find nothing attractive about a black girl, maybe if she dresses nicely they might look but never be interested enough to date”. I had no words!

It’s not that I was shocked because of our South African history but I wasn’t just standing in South Africa but I was standing in my church yard. I was all mixtures of emotions, I was angry, disappointed, hoping it’s not true maybe it was an exaggeration, but mostly I felt my heart hurt so badly I thought it would explode. My hands were shaking and I couldn’t focus on anything with clarity. I was also wondering why I am experiencing such intense emotions about this racial differentiation of black girls. I had to talk to someone, so I dragged a friend out of pre-service prayer and told them what I just heard. I’m not sure what kind of response I expected but when she didn’t look surprised, and in fact looked at me like I was insane for being shocked it just hurt deeper.

I took off, went to complete my task for the morning. I walked into my Pastors’ office and greeted the Pastor I was there for and didn’t even see the other two Pastors sitting there. They had to greet me themselves and hug me making jokes that they know I’m here for makeup but hey they deserve hugs as well. I felt embarrassed at this but not too long cause my heart wanted to come out of my mouth still.

I went down to listen to the service. During worship, I kept on asking God what is wrong with me. Am I overreacting? Do I have issues? I mean, no one else seems to be feeling the same way about this. Just there, in front of everyone, I couldn’t breathe or sing and tears were just falling out. I couldn’t control them. I had to step outside because I felt I’m two seconds from screaming. It felt like violent waves were crashing onto me all at once.

During the weeks after that, I really went to God with this because I didn’t understand my reaction to it. Was I having an identity crisis? Was I having self-image crisis? Was it because I didn’t love my black skin? Did I feel like a dog, that when dressed nicely could be pretty but not enough to date? Did I want to be married to a white guy? Is it all the political talks making rounds, opening old wounds? What was it really, WHAT?

 

 

 

 

 

Some days later I was reading this blog about 10 Truths about A Woman’s worth by Jarrid Wilson, and it hits me. This had nothing to do with race by the way but it had some points about the effects of the world on a woman’s image of self and worthiness. After weeks of asking the same questions over and over.  I realised I was hurt because:

1) I won’t date guys outside of Christ lest I be unequally yoked to an unbeliever.

2) My heart is placed at Hatfield Christian Church, dating and marrying a guy from another church might mean I must change my home. I feel strongly that my home has been made by God and right now it’s this one. Unless God sends me elsewhere. So in essence I haven’t been looking for relationships with people I know are in other churches.

3) I’m very passionate about the young adults and the heartbeat mentorship I’m part of. If these girls are in this church to learn more of what Christ looks like, how are they to accept, love and treat everyone equally when they are told they are not good enough because of the colour of their skin?

4) How are we to overcome the race history when our church’s young men have not removed the veil placed by the devil on their eyes? I felt they have never asked God what attractive is? Or what their wives look like. They are just basing it on skin colour. Worse, it feels as though they compare black girls to pets. I don’t like dogs but if you dress them up they are cute, but not enough to marry.

5) Who must the black girls at our church marry when the young men there are discriminating against them? Where is God’ heart for the black girls placed then? Should we then move churches and look for a black dominated church? Is that part of God’s plan?

6) What is the Christian view of marriage then if the meeting and joining together of two people is measured by their skin colour and not the intention of God’s heart. Who puts people together then if not the One who made them? Are we not asking God to reveal our spouses to us and the path that He has put in place? What then does it matter what they look like if we are chasing after hearts?

I didn’t feel these young men understood the effect their words would have. What image they portray of themselves and the condition of their hearts. I was hurt because I have no idea what we (blacks) ever did to white people to be viewed in such light. I have no idea what it would take to change those mind-sets. How do I protect my son from that pain of constantly being viewed as less than enough and whatever else is associated with his skin colour. How does my sister’s child fare up against this?

I also realised that these questions had been in my heart for a long time. I’m not physically attracted to Black guys more than White guys or Indian guys or Asian guys. I don’t have that filter in me. So it was always confusing for me when other people did it. I’m well aware of our past as a Black people vs. White people or even other races but I strongly felt those wounds will be closed by God. I’ve never consciously felt inferior to a white girl, or felt a white guy wouldn’t chose me because of my skin colour. I’ve dated an Indian guy, a Spanish speaking guy, Afrikaans guy, Zulu guy, Xhosa guy and I never thought we broke up because of colour but what I was looking for I then found in Christ. And now patiently I wait for my husband, whatever race he is.

I read an article written by Cooper P. Abrams III on the origin of race (<http://bible-truth.org/race.htm#001>): please read it for you. I was earnest in my search for this and I only read bible based literature because I didn’t want to be diluted by an already diluted opinion of black people. We are all generated from the same seed of Adam and Eve, how then could we hate each other so much? How has God viewed this? In trying to understand the origin of race and the amount of hatred I see and feel from other races, this article came close. The only thing missing is my heart’s connection to the hatred. He cites many explanations offered by different groups of people to account for their discrimination like (quoted):

1)        The curse of Canaan: One of the great tragedies of this erroneous biblical interpretation has been the interpretation by some of Genesis 9:18-27 bring related to a curse upon the black people. Specifically, some individuals have used the prophecy of Canaan being the "servant of servants" to mean that he would be the slave of Shem and Japheth. Leupold believes that the curse was on Canaan and did not include Ham's three other sons.⁸ If this is a correct interpretation, it would be difficult to relate the Negroes of Africa to the descendants of Canaan who settled in the Middle East.

2)   The curse of Cain: Often we hear the mark of "Cain" being related to the black race. To briefly deal with this erroneous idea it should be simply pointed out that the Hebrew word "oth" does not mean "mark" as an outward physical token or mark placed on Cain. Leupold says that the word is better translated "sign."⁶ Also, the text does not say that God set a mark "in" or "on" Cain and certainly does not even hint at the mark being related to his skin colour or physical characteristics. The word used indicates God gave him a sign of guarantee, or an assurance that he would be protected. Ryrie says it was a sign to reassure him of God's gracious protection of his life.⁷ Furthermore, even if one were to take the position that Cain was given the mark of being black, all of his progeny died in the flood and since Noah's sons were Sethites (Genesis 5) the curse would have ended with the flood, rendering the issue moot.

3)     The Tower of Babel: God did not indiscriminately change the languages among the people, because to do so would have broken up and confounded families. The genealogies in Genesis 10 extend beyond the time of confusion of languages so it would seem that God kept families together by giving them the same language. Furthermore, Genesis 10:5 states that God divided them by language, family and nations. At this point, it is very important to keep in mind that as these groups of people migrated further from the Middle East they became isolated from other groups. This separation caused isolation from other groups resulted in breeding within a specific smaller number people. Because of isolation, genetics then began to limit the physical characteristics of their offspring as the dominate genes began to emerge.

4)    The role of genetics (outside of the bible): In ‘genetics, any of the elements by which hereditary characters are transmitted and determined, regarded as a particular state of organization of the chromatin in the chromosome factor: theoretically, each mature reproductive cell carries a gene for every inheritable characteristic, and thus an individual resulting from the union of two such cells receives a set of genes from each of its parents.” It can be seen from this definition that it is the gene which determines the physical characteristics of men. Each parent contributes his or her genes to their offspring, and the child is a product of both. When we look around us today and see all the different physical characteristics in people and relate this to Adam, who was the first man. We can see that in Adam, the potential combination of genes was enormous.

5)        Isolation of people scattered in different parts of the world: We have seen that the decedents of Noah's three sons were generally dispersed over all the earth. Furthermore, the physical characteristics of any of his sons were not exclusive to his progeny. Each could and did produce offspring with different characteristic. The most important factor in reaching an explanation for the origin of race is the understanding that as the migration from the Middle East proceeded, contact with other groups became less frequent, and in time each group became isolated from all others, and became smaller. Because of this isolation men and women married within their own group and breeding took place within an isolated group and between kin.  Without isolation, it is unlikely that "race" would have ever occurred. It is a vital part of understanding how genetics caused the different physical characteristics of isolated groups of people which we call races.

6)        Conclusion: The model or explanation or the origin of race as presented in this paper can afford the Christian with a basic understanding of how race came to be. It is easily understood when all the evidence is considered. Racial differences can never honestly be said to be the result of curses placed on people by God, or the nonsensical theories of evolution. Race occurred because of the work of the physical laws of human genetics that Almighty God instituted and race has no spiritual significance.

In my understanding of our Great God I can see how vast and beautiful in its magnitude the creation of man was. He planted the potential of all these different genes in one man to make a people so different, so intelligent, and so beautiful so that He could marvel at each and everyone’s potential to building a Kingdom so magnificent. When He said in Genesis 9v7 “Go and populate the earth”, He meant for these differences to occur. Not to choose which group of people are worthy but to add to the beauty of His world. If He made the earth in seven days to have mountains, seas, grass and trees. To have animals that walks the earth and swims the seas in their different colours and characteristics. Why wouldn’t He give Adam and Eve the capacity to produce all the different people populating earth now? If Adam had the intelligence capacity to name all and I mean all the animals of the earth, from ants to elephants, why would he be limited in his reproducing seed as well?

 

Suddenly I remembered the last part of the song Hosanna: “Break my heart for what breaks Yours”. I can’t speak of what God feels about this but I can speak of what He lays in my heart. My heart was broken, the kind of broken that threatened to choke me of life itself. It had nothing to do with the fact that I’m black but it had to do with that I’m a follower of Christ. It broke my heart to see unchanged perceptions of these young men and the indifference of the young women make it okay to not see people as Christ sees them. How can they not see how He has made them, beautiful, colourful and with every potential to be each other’s wives and husbands? I remember Ps Herman Charles once said, each time you reproduce you are creating a new race never seen before, such is the greatness of God.

 

I wasn’t upset that the black girls were not asked to dress and attend this beautiful Valentine’s Day planned by the hearts of the young men. It was that because of their blatant words, for whatever reasons, good or not, they were excluded for, it seemed to the black girls it was because of their skin colour. Without intending to but they hurt them. They said they were not worthy. They implied they are less than human and therefore are tolerated because of the church but not in their hearts.

I also had to ask myself what are the challenges Christians face with mixed relationships? The fact is everyone assumes that a mixed couple faces much more challenges than a same race couple. I remember a radio interview with John Piper, where a woman phoned in to ask if she can marry a black guy. What does God have to say about mixed relationships? He answered her by showing her that the scripture only referred to races in relation to believers and non-believers. It was about being unequally yoked and nothing to do with one Jews or black or whatever. I look at my sister with her husband and all I hear I things I went through with my previous relationships. Like, who’s cooking tonight? Honey, wash the dishes. Let’s wait for a year and enjoy our marriage before we have a baby. These are normal conversations and arguments every couple has.  I feel the cover of Christ is different for His children and it should be more possible to ignore races there than anywhere else. My sister and her husband love each other and they pray for each other. Her mother in-law adores her. God Himself pointed them to each other! I can’t imagine what their lives would be like with different people. It is not that God makes good of every situation to those who serve Him; it is obedient hearts that followed God saying this is who I have made for you. To forgive is to offer your heart again to the same person who hurt you without reservation and without holding back to the possibility of being hurt again, and again, and forgive once more. Because forgiveness releases you from being bound to a lone tree by the devil, it further allows you to see the love of Christ that is offered to all. I went all this way, from prayer to prayer and from reading this Christian article and the other, to reading God’s word for my heart and for others that I have come to this: I am divinely favoured and knitted in my mother’s word with the genes that flow from the first man created. They are gorgeous, astounding and beyond my comprehension. I am loved. Because I was loved first and filled each day to my core with the love of Christ, I love you just as I love me.

Lord, my Maker, Who planned every intricate part of me. Who knows my heart and every thought in my mind. I surrender this hurt and offer it back to you, to heal and mend anew. I forgive this, in its entirety and I offer my heart again, clean with new love for my brothers. I thank You for revealing me to me and my own misconceptions and judgements and forgiving me. I love the work You’re doing in my heart and I’m grateful for it! I pray Lord that this wool covering our eyes and preventing us for seeing each other as You have made and see us is removed. I pray that our first instinct should be to see You first in each other and forget any other flaw. I pray for bent hearts towards You and your people. I pray You clean and heal the hearts of the young people and You cover all of us with Your precious blood. In only Your beautiful Name, Jesus Christ, Amen.

Family of Five

It's a priviladge for me to share about my family with everyone. Especially because of it's unusual structure. I'm a proud member of a Family of Five (God the Father, Jesus the Son, the Holy Spirit, me and my son).

 

 

 

A bit of history, I come from a family of six, my parents, two brothers and a sister. I love big families. The dynamics and interactions, the love, the forgiveness, the growth and challenges. So when I had my son we were, according to my norms down to a family of four. My little sister and brother, me and my son. For a while that was all that mattered to me. Keeping my family together because it was not growing big but something seemed to be making it smaller by the day. My brother grew up and moved out, my sister got married and moved out. Now we were down to two *sigh*.

 

 

 

Then God introduced Himself to me. What a lovely experience! I always relied on God to provide me with tools to raise my son and to manage my finances and all that. But this time He introduced Himself, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit as the members of my family. Not as my God three in One but as individuals that have a say in my family, who bring different dynamics to the functions of my family. All of a sudden my love of big families was renewed and restored. My conversations with my family came back, instead of baby talk and mommy talk, I was having conversations about how to structure my work functions, what my day was like and ask for ideas to feed my son. All that Love a family has was back, the forgiveness when I didn't consult or share myself with God, the growth in my Spirit and interaction with the Holy Spirit. I'm not kidding! I wake up and I'm aware that each day is going to be different!!!

 

 

I've learned so much from my family and I appreciate the interchangable roles they play in my life and my son's life. Sometimes, my son's prayer still ask for a brother/sister and a husband for his mommy. Then my prayer becomes that God must fill his tiny heart with enough love to wait for the right husband for me and then eventually brothers/sisters. I often ask Him to visit my boy in his dreams and talk with him.


 

Through out I've always associated the Holy Spirit with a mother figure, I ask Him to tell me when I'm being harsh, how to calm my son and all those motherly things my mother would have done. Jesus has always been where I go about advise for relationships, family and love, daily love. Father always as the director of my life, the things I feel should move mountains, career growth, should I apply or not. But I've grown to call on them for conversation, jokes and light moments. Sometimes I pick up my phone to call my sister or a friend and I feel a nudge that says "no I'm here, tell Me".

 

 

 

I know the promise God has made on my life with regard to my husband and family. But this means so much more to me, they will be an addition to this family as well and join this loving relationship we (5) already have. But this gives me a new freedom or sharing, loving and caring for a family I love.  

 

 

 

I pray this blesses you in seeing God outside what He can do for you but who He is for you!

 

 

Love and passion

Gugu Mchunu

God's Romance

Mhh, I once wrote this poem, and this was once the only true feeling I knew, had known for a long time and it was part of my expression of LOVE.

DESIRE

I permit him into my space,

Holding him in my arms

The look in his eyes drenches my craving with

His infatuation for me

His kisses correcting my sexual language 

My tongue carries a persuasive yearning and

Fractures his tenderness

I can feel him thrust back with resistance

Challenging my femininity

Begging for my passion

His quivering body tells me his desires

Exuding enough heat to intensify my obsession

Opening my raw appetite for his body

For his satisfaction

My need to watch him let go of his

Resistance to my touch, give me his roaring passion,

Liquefy himself for me to drink and

Breathe his scent into my lungs

Make me his.

By Gugu MCHUNU

19.11.2008

And then I read this from the Songs of Solomon, then I think to myself had I met him back then we would have been great poets, sharing this intimate expression of what most people can’t verbalise.

Son 1v2 Let Him kiss me with the kisses of His mouth; for Your love is better than wine.

Son 2v5 feed me with raisin cakes; comfort me with apples, for I am sick with love.

Son 8v7 many waters cannot quench love, nor will the rivers overflow it. If a man would give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be scorned.

Then I listen to this song by John Legend (Can’t confirm if he wrote it).

Hush my baby don’t you cry,

I’ll dry your eyes, fulfil your hearts desire.

Let’s go in and try again,

Careful this time;

Broken promises linger in our minds.

Don’t give in completely hearts break so easy,

I know believe me I’ve tried.

But my arms can hold you, my kisses console you,

I’ll come and love you tonight.

I love, though love hurts sometimes, but this feels right,

You love even though you’ve been burnt, you still return.

Come and share my house my home and all I own,

I long to give to you.

Aren’t you tired of going alone?

This lonely road, it takes its tall on you.

Give me you emotions, your hearts devotion,

Give everything you like.

I’ll give understanding, life’s so demanding.

I’m all you need to get by.

I think to myself, “this is love’s delicateness” humans begging for it to remain a constant. I had so many expectations of love “romance”. As a woman, I want to drown in my fragility and for my husband to long to give me all the comforts of a warm home. I want to let my husband kiss me with kisses of his mouth which for ME, would be better than wine.

I’ve had this in my heart for a while but I didn’t and still don’t know what it is meant to achieve. I was still waiting for it to be profound and deep. I decided to sit down and write it even if it doesn’t take any visible form until it’s complete, so I hope somewhere it makes the sense you need.

So I kept on getting dribs and drabs of conversation with Father that didn’t follow any particular order. One afternoon He threw me a line like “how do you ask to be consoled for loosing something no one knew you had, not even you”. This really doesn’t make sense to me, so I was wondering what I was seeking to be consoled about.

Then out of the blue He said “love’s treasure is knowing you have it, to nurture it”. Now because I’m seriously confused and I’m wondering what it is I missed. I got something along the lines of “the tree that feeds the animals has roots, it is stable, it produces in time without fail, it is fed, and then it can feed”. Really, am I empty God; seriously you are calling me empty. “No, your roots are shallow, dig deeper” so I said to God with a touch of arrogance “I have depth”. Smiling He said “yes you do, you just need to plant deeper”.

So I sat back in my office chair and thought about this. Plant deeper! What does this mean?

Son 8v6 set me as a seal on Your heart, as a seal on Your arm; for love is strong as death. Jealousy is cruel as the grave; its flames are flames of fire, a flame of Jehovah.                                                      

His flame won’t go out; literally it will never go out.

I considered the lives that passed my path to be some of the roots that make the tree that is me. They had dug themselves a place in my heart that had structured how I see others. Some of them had awakened in me a protector, some a caregiver, some my femininity and other a strength I had no way of knowing I had. Some of them invoked fear, a need to be affirmed, persistent insecurities and weakness I had no way curing.

These feelings bare, open to any confusions, superficial revelation; suddenly I was a machine that worked well at times and others not….. My manual didn’t have a “remedy” for the times I was broken, it simply said, call manufacture.

My maker’s response was simple, in the same place I found familiarity I found my answer:

Son 1v15 Behold, you are beautiful, my love; behold, you are beautiful; you have doves' eyes.

John 15v5 I am the Vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, the same brings forth much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing.

Remain in Me, I made you. You will never doubt your magnificence. When I asked Him how I can know this for sure He said, but I told you:

Mat 13v45 Again, the kingdom of Heaven is like merchant seeking beautiful pearls.

When we doubt our magnificence, we often stay with someone we are familiar with, out of fear of discovering what else is in store for us. When we fear what other people will say should we dare have a slightly different expectation than what we’ve accustomed ourselves with, we are essentially saying the dreams He sets for us are not worth the temporary criticism. It’s not worth the lifetime treasure He has built for us.

So I asked Him what kind of love should expect from my husband.

Eph 5v23 for the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body.

See the devils attacks are simple but they are where we lay our deepest roots are. He uproots the foundation of who we are and makes our roots shallow. That’s all Father was saying to me.

My many expectations from love were founded on nothing He has set for me. Sure we all say it out loud how we first want a man/woman of God (whose heart is set on heaven) and the rest shall fall into place. But we scan the room in our home (church) to find the most physically attractive person, sit and pray about them being our future spouse. We obsess about how they need to have a certain bank balance, ambition and vision (our perceived future). Get disappointed when Father says I have something better for you, “what could be better than this one, seriously, why can’t I have this one”, we cry to Him. We don’t understand the better He has planned for us.

The ‘better’ is that woman/man we don’t look at, the one who has set his eyes on the Lord and seems to not have time to look at you. Or when she/he does, it is with Christ’s eyes. He/she has let God define his/her beauty and attractiveness. He/she has let God choose who he/she will be joined to and lead/by.

Just recently I had managed to convince myself I was in-love with someone. I was sure I could differentiate between infatuation and love. I saw all sorts of futures, which by the way I was convincing myself it was God confirming my prayers. This is not to say he isn’t, it’s just to illustrate the kind of places we take ourselves to without a second thought into what Father has planned. As usual my Dad had to be a little harsh with me to get my attention.

This conversation was very hard but it had to happen. An internal inventory took place that reminded me that a journey has to happen for the destination to come. So before you get yourself twisted on that person, before you ask her out, before you agree to go out for coffee, ask your God the questions you wouldn’t have answers to:

Is the purpose of my life aligned to him/her or maybe complimentary?

Would it be supportive to God plans?

Are you prepared for the woman/man they are?

Are you the man/woman they need?

Ask God to fashion you into the man/woman my future spouse need.

What are the things He has built in you that make you this persons’ spouse.

For you to breathe as one flesh, Father has to be at the beginning and centre of your relationship. There are a lot of changes that take place, necessary changes, when you are in a relationship that you may not have anticipated. 

Mat 19v5 and said, for this cause a man shall leave father and mother and shall cling to his wife, and the two of them shall be one flesh?

I needed to deracinate the shallow roots I considered part of me, dig deeper and plant God and let Him define what my expectations should be of love. First I need to be dressed in His flesh and accept the gift of His love for me.

Col 3v14 and above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfectness.

Col 3v15 and let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which you also are called in one body, and be thankful.

So when I meet my husband, I’ll recognize his Christ like scent and when I drink from his cup of love, I will float to the heavens because we would be completely grounded in Christ.

Prayer: Ruler of heart, Father God, my Dad, I surrender my expectations for your confirmations. Drench me in the rain of your love and make fertile my ground. Plant my roots with your hands and define their depth. Cover my eyes to all temptation and cause me to die to my flesh and awaken to my love in the time of your choosing. I’m in awe of the woman/man you are carving to me being. I’m in awe of the woman/man you are placing in my path. Open my flesh to receive them, nurture them and be one with them. Create in us the bond of perfectness as we journey into the love you have blessed us with. In my Lord and Saviour’s name, Jesus Christ, Amen.